I'm really not sure where to start.. I will start by saying through this blog I hope that I am able to help people understand why I feel the way I do. To finally let MORE people into my life. I've tried many things and lied to myself, others for years about being okay. The truth is.. I'm not okay. I really haven't been "okay" for years. I will now take you through my life..It may get confusing, but it's the thoughts that run through my mind.
It all starts with my childhood. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. When I was younger I was sexually abused by him. for years I've been confused of why it happened to just me, unsure of why my sister didn't suffer the same ( I am glad it didn't happen to her, but still confused) For years i've blamed myself, maybe I was a bad son, maybe it's what I deserved? After my mother finally left him after the abuse she suffered herself from him. I struggled with many things,being bullied, not having a father figure. I made friends here and there, none ever stayed. It really effected me, always feeling alone. My sister was my best friend. Unless I was to count those many people I made up in my head. I believe it was at age 10 when I first created my "world" The world that I wish I was apart of. I went there when I was scared (which was often.
As I got older, into my teens, we had moved A LOT. My mum had been with a few guys, many that hurt her..which ultimately hurt me too. I always had such anger towards the males that came into my mothers life. I hated them, regardless what he did I wanted my father.. Not sure why though.. I guess I wish I would have lived an easier life, I wanted the family that most kids seemed to have. Then my mother started dating Mike, who little did I know would be in my life for many years.. I did not show love or happiness towards him at the start but having him be there for me filled a void I had been missing, someone I could call "dad". Even if I didn't say those words.
When I reached middle school, we had moved again. So I yet again had to start over, to try and make friends.. to find people who accepted me. This was something that was very scary. I was afraid that I would be bullied. As time went by I made friends with a few people, who would end up being one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. For once in my life I had friends, real friends. For a few years things went by smoothly, but then the bullying started. Which really made me stronger for once, so thank you you worthless people. I learned to stand up for myself, and fight back.
Years progressed, high school came along, like every kid, I was scared to go to high school. It's a scary place. But I had friends, so I was okay about it. over my years in high school I found a girl, one that made me feel special..So I smothered her, not wanting to lose that feeling she gave me.. I needed her. She made me forget my pains, she didn't know about them, because really I was never that comfortable with her. It wasn't until my grade 12 year that I first told someone about my pains. And after I told him I regretted it deeply. As he laughed at me, and told me that other people have been through worse things. After that, I went into one of the darkest places. Here I was thinking "hey I can overcome this" But truthfully, it was the thing that drove me away, it turned me into someone that I hated. This is when my hatred for myself came out full force. It was overwhelming. I was ready to kill myself, I thought about it daily. Here I was thinking I had people who cared about me, to have them laugh at me about the darkest secret I had. Something that no other person knew about, not my sister, not my mother, no one. That's when I started drinking to free myself from these pains. The depression got so strong. But I put on a smile and pushed on. Hoping one day things would get better.
Then one day long night of venting to my friend Mariah I felt better, stronger. She was there for me. It was an amazing feel, then others joined in to support me. At this time I had been in a bad relationship with my parents.. They couldn't deal with me. And often said things that really hurt, like "you're a disappointment". But thanks to my friends I got passed it... Or so I had hoped. I thought I conquered my depression, but little did I know the worst was yet to come.
I moved to fredericton with my two best friends, I was in a relationship with someone who cared about me. Life seemed good. By time went on, the depression began to take over, with full force.. I was so scared I reached out for help, real help.. I started seeing a doctor, and taking pills. Time went on, it was looking up. Then in a second, everything I had worked for was taken away. I lost my friends, they hated me.. I lied to them and I pushed them away. Feeling down I attempted suicide. I overdosed on my pills. Afer I got out of the hospital it didn't end, they kept hating me, they told me that I just wanted attention, told me I lied about my past. I pushed on for a few weeks. Then my girlfriend left me she couldn't handle me anymore.. So this is when I wanted to end it all. once and for all. So I went and refilled my pills, and took them all, and washed them down with vodka ( i had been drinking a lot during the fredericton days) then I walked to my room, laid in my bed.. put on "alone I break" closed my eyes hoping the pills would take me soon. I don't remember much after. But I was told that Justin called the ambulance.. and they had to bring me back. When I woke up in the hospital, I was alone, no friends came to see me. It was the worst feeling ever. after spending sometime in the hospital my mother came and got me..
I had to then start my life over yet again, in a new place. This place was Amherst. I made friends rather quickly. But the thing is, Amherst is not the place you want to go if you have a past. Quikly things started going downhill, rumors started, people wanted to fight me for no reason. Then I met yet another girl.. At this time I knew that I needed a girlfriend in my life in order to feel "wanted" the relationship didn't last because truthful there wasn't much there for feelings. And my depression was still eating away at me. So I seeked help again. This time around it went well, I started feeling better, I got rid of all the bad in my life. It seemed to good to be true. Then my 3rd attempt happened. after that I remember telling my mother that this would never happen again, that I was going to beat this. So I got help and tried my 3rd recovery.. months went on, I had not attempted any relationships or anything. I was perfect. I started a business and it distracted me for awhile. Then one night this girl commented on my status. A girl who I had been very attracted to, someone that I wanted to talk to, but I was scared of rejection. After she commented I got the courage to talk to her. Then we stgarted talking, even though there was a distance. I quickly fell in love with her, not because I needed a girlfriend, but because I truly love her.. The relationship brought me the greatest feelings I've ever had. She was and still is my best friend.
The relationship just recently ended, and it has pushed me back into a dark place, one that I'm not sure If I can handle. But there are a few people keeping me strong. I have hope that once time passes that things could work between us again. She is unsure atm, and that is fine. She has other problems, as we all do. So I will focus on myself, and allow her the space she needs. When the time comes that she is ready to talk to me./ I will fight for her, because I do not want to let her go, and I won't. But after time if she wants otherwise, then I will have to face moving on.
I love her more than anything in the world, I felt something real for the first time with her, and I feel I made her feel great to. I don't believe that the relationship failed because we are not good together, because we were amazing together when we werent overwhelmed by stress. I truly believe that once I ACTUALLY overcome my fears, and you get things worked out that we can be together. I'm scared you don't want the same though. Until then I will push on, because I made you a promise that I would never end my life. And I won't break that promise. I may have thoughts of it everyday, but the hope that I could have you back is the fuel that keeps me going. I love you, and I mean it when I say it.
I have wrote enough for now, I am drained because of this and my appointment today. I know it does not make sense, and it does seem rushed for now. But as I keep writing topics will be talked about more.
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