"In many ways you're the halo that keeps my spirit alive"

I fear going to sleep every night, no matter how tired I am, I will put it off until I can't anymore. You probably wonder why I'm scared to sleep. Well, the thing is, when I sleep I have nightmares.. Not different nightmares, but the same ones over and over again. It is mentally draining.

Last night was no exception, I had a dream about you, one that had gone away for a month or so. I woke up crying after this dream, because I don't want it to happen.. It kills me everytime. I miss the times that I had nightmares, to wake up and have you laying beside me, I miss your face, I miss the feeling of butterflies everytime you touched me. I miss being able to look into your beautiful eyes, and having you tell me that you love me, and how you'd never leave me..I miss our moments when we'd joke around with each other and call each other foolish names, like snookie wookie pooh. I miss making fun of MM and her Boo Bear. I miss the closeness you made me feel. I miss being able to all you everyday to tell you that you're the most beautiful girl I have ever met..I mean that.. I would choose you above any other person, I'd choose you before taking millions of dollars. Why? Because you are my best friend, my love, my everything. I know I can be intense..But this is who I am. I miss when we'd sit on the computer and watch people who can't sing on youtube, and having you sit on my lap. I miss hugging you, I miss kissing you and feeling like the world was a good place.

You made me feel whole again, you allowed me to love again. Because for the longest time I was scared to love. Why? Because I was scared if I let myself open that I would be hurt, as in the past when I allowed myself to open up and get close to ANYONE things quickly turned to shit, and I was left in the dark alone. I miss the moment we shared that night at LBshouse, late at night when we watch south park together and cuddled. I miss the feelings you gave me... I miss how you helped me love myself again, I miss cuddling with you, and feeling that there was no bad in this world.

I know we are far apart, and no longer together. I know that we both need space, I know that you may no longer have the same feeling, you may not be in love with me anymore. But I am praying that after time, you will not forget what we had, and just how real it was. And I hope that one day we can be together again. Because I am not ready to give up, I have been fighting my entire life, searching for who I am, struggling everyday to not harm myself, putting on a happy face.. I'm ready to keep fighting, if it means that one day I will love myself FULLY. That one day I can maybe have you back in my life... That I can call you my girlfriend again, and hear you tell me that you love me. If you want otherwise, then I will not try and stop you, because above all else I want you to be happy, if I can't give you that then I will walk away, As much as it kills me to say I will. But until then I HOPE that I can be that guy who you want. And I hope when you're ready to talk again that you can tell me how you feel to my face.. I deserve that.


"You know I'm always going to be here for you no matter what happens, and I love you more than anything"

Please don't give up on our love <3