"In the fields where nothing grew but weeds, I found a flower at my feet"

You know today is quite possibly the best day I've had in a little while. Why? Because you said you missed me. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. I know that nothing changes. But it makes those stupid thoughts I get when I get worked up go away. Which is a bonus.

I miss you so much though, I miss your beautiful face, I miss our moments where wed joke around. I miss when you'd call me poop face lol. I miss our wrestling matches where I'd kick your butt. I miss licking your face :p and you laughing and trying to get me off :p. I miss cuddling and watching movies. Sometimes I go to watch a movie on tv, then ill stop because it will be a movie I wanted to watch with you. I miss having money and saving it or spending it on silly gifts for you. I miss our long walks on the beach. Everytime I see a great dane I picture how excited and happy you would get, it makes me smile no matter what. I watched pick a puppy the other night and it just wasn't the same. The other day I was watching storage wars, then I smiled because I thought of the time I said I wanted you to "wow me" and you sent me a link to darrells( I don't care if its spelt wrong, I'm tired) of his " wow factor" it then made me sad because I wanted to talk to you. Every morning I wake up and grab my phone. Then I go to call you, there's been times where I actually hit call "" and then I clue in, and quickly hang up. I was talking to lacey and mike the other day about that time where we were at laceys at everyone was farting. I miss those times. I remember the first time I ever met you, I had butterflies the entire train ride( which never went away even after months) then the moment I first seen you, I was speechless, you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Then that moment when we were on laceys bed, and I slowly inched my way closer to you. I miss your smile, it often left my breathless. I misssss your cute "I'm mad, but not really mad" face, and those cute noises you made. I miss giving you a massage, and I even miss when you'd complain about stuff :p its just not the same when oithers do it. I miss eating good foods with you. I miss kicking your butt at video games, I miss your smell, I miss your soft hair, and often times I start playing with my own hair to sub the loss of yours. I miss my side of the bed, I miss waking up early and going downstairs with you when you went to school. I miss cooking for you. I miss when you'd snuggle your head into my chest. I miss the lack of space in bed while I sleep, I often find myself sleeping at the edge of the bed now. I miss you telling me nice things. I miss dill pickle chips... I miss when you'd have mr turtle talk to me on the phone. I miss walking hailey. I miss holding you. I just thought of the first time I told you I loved you, and the look on your face when I tried to tell you for like 60mins... I was so nervous... I miss kissing you, I miss sinks..I can't go shopping at la senza anymore its just not the same. That and I always get weird looks when the employees come to me and say " looking for a gift for your girlfriend". Me "no" them " " your wife?" Me "no, just looking" its really quite awkward. I miss you calling my stomach chubby chubs and making it talk in that silly voice :p hehe. I miss kiss you on the forehead, I do it to odin now but he often bites me after, it was rare for you to do that.

I love you more than anything, and I always will.

mindless thoughts;

I can't sleep anymore, my pills aren't working, the nightmares keep happening. I close my eyes and instantely I see your face, I can't get you off my mind, I wonder if you feel the same about me? I doubt it. It seems so easy for you. I wish you still wanted us, I don't see how you could not want what he had, it was real. You're not even open to allowing your feelings for me. Because you were unhappy I guess. Its my fault, I should never have stopped my medication. Then maybe you would still want me. Then maybe I wouldn't have pushed you away. I try and try but its never good enough. I want you in my life. I want you to want to even just talk to me. It would make my day if you actually msgd me saying I miss talking to you. But you won't, because you are lying to yourself about this, no one can go that long in a relationship, and just all of a sudden be fine after 3days? I just keep crying because of you, I just want to talk to you. I want to see you, but you don't want that. You want to be alone. I've

I dont even know anymore. People tell me to just let go, move on. But how do you move on from something when you love it so much? I'm never going to move on from you, I don't want to either. Because if I cannot have you, then I don't want anyone else. Because no one will ever be better. I hope someday, you will look back and understand, that you let something special go. Because I'm the most caring, loving, person you will ever meet. I was nothing but nice to you, I gave my everything, I sold pretty much everything I owned to make it work. I put thousands of dollars into our relationship. I would have did anything forr you. You will never find someone as good as me.



On another note, I've decided that its time I do something I have needed to do for quite sometime. I just hope that she will talk to me and hear me out. I know you hate me, I know that I ruined your life(or so you say) but I need to say sorry, and forgive you at the same time in order to let the past go. Because truthfully you have held me back for quite sometime.

I wish I had beer right now, I had been drinking for 2 straight days. I still have beer at dylans, but I'm trying not to given in. I have been tempted to go out and buy more, and just store it in my room and drink it warm. It seems to be the only thing that numbs this pain.

I want you back;

I just want to hold you again, and have you tell me you love me. I wish you wanted me still :(

Paralyzed;

"Why is my love so cold? No more will I pretend
Gasping for air as you're slipping through my fingers
Don't kiss me goodbye, please, don't leave here

I'm dying inside, knowing it's my fault
Crying with my fist against the wall
Can't get away, I swear, I'm gonna break
I'm paralyzed, I need you now

The smell of sacrifice, your disappearing whispers
I cannot grasp how my life inside just withers
Don't kiss me goodbye, please, don't leave here

I'm dying inside, knowing it's my fault
Crying with my fist against the wall
Can't get away, I swear, I'm gonna break
I'm paralyzed, I need you now

I need you, I need you now, I need you

Death before I give dishonor, death before I disobey
Death before I give dishonor, death before I disobey
Disobey, disobey

I'm dying inside, knowing it's my fault
Crying with my fist against the wall
Can't get away, I swear, I'm gonna break
I'm paralyzed, I need you now

I need you now"

No words can describe my feelings right now. Last night was a very scary night for me. If it hadn't been for 2 very good friends, then I would have gave up. I would have did exactly what I was thinking about doing. I feel like I'm going insane, I feel that there is no light anymore, I feel the darkness consuming me more and more each day. I don't think I can do this anymore, I really don't. I have tried and tried, I have built myself up so many times to have it taken away. I feel that I've done my part, and it's time to do what has to be done. I've given my all, and it's never once been good enough...I'm so close to that breaking point, there are a few things allowing me to hold on. I tried to be happy, I have, and it never sticks, this thing keeps coming back. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to overcome this.

I don't know how you people can tell me "I'll always be there for you, no matter what" Where the fuck are you now? Why aren't you here? Why did you fucking leave me? Why did you beat me down? Why did you leave me here bleeding? Why? I can't let it go, I don't understand why people would do this to me.. Am I really a bad person? I feel I deserve better than this..People tell me that those who leave aren't true friends.. But why is it that the ones that I trust everything with are always the ones who spit in my face, and kick me to the ground?

I really cant fucking take it. I want you, and you don't want me, and I can't get passed that. But you seem like it doesn't even effect you? I donb't fucking understand how it's so easy for you, and It kills me. Why? I Just want you in my life, I want you so fucking bad. But you don't want anything about me.. You tell me you love me, you tell me you care, but we can't be together? It makes no sense. I just want a fucking reason, stressful is not a real reason. It feels like you're hiding something. And I can't stop my thoughts, I just want to fucking drink.

That is all.

Alone I Break;

I can't keep you off my mind, I'm going insane. I want to give you the space, so you can come back to me in the end. But I'm struggling so much, I want nothing more than to hear your voice again. I want to feel alive again. I feel nothing right now, I feel numb most of the time, I don't want to do this without you by my side.

Right now I feel like giving up, giving into the darkness, I want to let go of these pains. I want to stop my pains. I know time heals everything, but I'm sick of waiting, I don't want to do this anymore. I want this thoughts out of my head. I want to know how you feel, how you're dealing with this. I want you as my friend. I want you in my life, it kills me knowing you don't want me.

I can't even think right now, but I'm struggling so much. I'm just trying to distract my mind from these thoughts. I don't want them. Someone please help me :'(

"In many ways you're the halo that keeps my spirit alive"

I fear going to sleep every night, no matter how tired I am, I will put it off until I can't anymore. You probably wonder why I'm scared to sleep. Well, the thing is, when I sleep I have nightmares.. Not different nightmares, but the same ones over and over again. It is mentally draining.

Last night was no exception, I had a dream about you, one that had gone away for a month or so. I woke up crying after this dream, because I don't want it to happen.. It kills me everytime. I miss the times that I had nightmares, to wake up and have you laying beside me, I miss your face, I miss the feeling of butterflies everytime you touched me. I miss being able to look into your beautiful eyes, and having you tell me that you love me, and how you'd never leave me..I miss our moments when we'd joke around with each other and call each other foolish names, like snookie wookie pooh. I miss making fun of MM and her Boo Bear. I miss the closeness you made me feel. I miss being able to all you everyday to tell you that you're the most beautiful girl I have ever met..I mean that.. I would choose you above any other person, I'd choose you before taking millions of dollars. Why? Because you are my best friend, my love, my everything. I know I can be intense..But this is who I am. I miss when we'd sit on the computer and watch people who can't sing on youtube, and having you sit on my lap. I miss hugging you, I miss kissing you and feeling like the world was a good place.

You made me feel whole again, you allowed me to love again. Because for the longest time I was scared to love. Why? Because I was scared if I let myself open that I would be hurt, as in the past when I allowed myself to open up and get close to ANYONE things quickly turned to shit, and I was left in the dark alone. I miss the moment we shared that night at LBshouse, late at night when we watch south park together and cuddled. I miss the feelings you gave me... I miss how you helped me love myself again, I miss cuddling with you, and feeling that there was no bad in this world.

I know we are far apart, and no longer together. I know that we both need space, I know that you may no longer have the same feeling, you may not be in love with me anymore. But I am praying that after time, you will not forget what we had, and just how real it was. And I hope that one day we can be together again. Because I am not ready to give up, I have been fighting my entire life, searching for who I am, struggling everyday to not harm myself, putting on a happy face.. I'm ready to keep fighting, if it means that one day I will love myself FULLY. That one day I can maybe have you back in my life... That I can call you my girlfriend again, and hear you tell me that you love me. If you want otherwise, then I will not try and stop you, because above all else I want you to be happy, if I can't give you that then I will walk away, As much as it kills me to say I will. But until then I HOPE that I can be that guy who you want. And I hope when you're ready to talk again that you can tell me how you feel to my face.. I deserve that.


"You know I'm always going to be here for you no matter what happens, and I love you more than anything"

Please don't give up on our love <3

Without you;

"Search for the answers I knew all along
I lost myself, we all fall down
Never the wiser of what I've become
Alone I stand, a broken man

All I have is one last chance
I won't turn my back on you
Take my hand, drag me down
If you fall then I will too
And I can't save what's left of you

[Chorus:]
Say something new
I have nothing left
I can't face the dark without you
There's nothing left to lose
The fighting never ends
I can't face the dark without you

Follow me under and pull me apart
I understand, there's nothing left
Pain so familiar and close to the heart
No more, no less, I won't forget

Come back down, save yourself
I can't find my way to you
And I can't bear to face the truth

[Chorus]

I wanted to forgive
I'm trying to forgive
Don't leave me here again
I am with you forever, the end

[Chorus]

Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end
Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end"



I will never give up on our love. I believe that if you love me like you say, that after time you will still want me. I'm not reading to move on and stop being in love with you.